If I Were Gay
by Fullsteel
Summary: 2nd fic: I Really Don't Like You. Jack wasn't happy about sharing a cell with a certain other captain... so Ianto to the rescue! --My own music challenge, 50 fics based on songtitles. Mostly Janto. More info in the author note!--
1. If I Were Gay

**If I Were Gay**

**AN: **Right, so I was bored and decided to do a little challenge for myself! This will end up being 50 (or 100, haven't decided yet) small Torchwood fics based on songs/song titles that have popped up when I've listened to music. So far I've got 20 planned out, so feel free to suggest songs. (Can't promise I'll use them though!)

**Important:  
- **Mainly **Janto**, and maybe hinted **Owen/Tosh**.  
- The chapters **aren't related** to each other. So you don't have to read all ones.'  
- No, it's **not song-fics**, they just happen to be based on the title or partly of the content.  
- The title is only called If I Were Gay since it was the first song I used. No other reason. So **it's not related to other chapters**.  
**  
****Chapter summary: **The Torchwood-team is out clubbing a night and Ianto is the only one getting wasted. And Jack tried to make a move on him, but Ianto is **not** gay!

**Warnings: **Alcohol, mentions of sex, no spoilers in this one I think.

**Disclaimer: **Believe me, if I owned Torchwood there'd be more of Jack and Ianto than it already is!

**  


* * *

****If I Were Gay**

Ianto Jones sighed as he took a sip of his whiskey, just glancing around. The others in the team seemed to be getting themselves really wasted, and they had only been there for a short while... but quite frankly Ianto didn't care much about that, they could get themselves really wasted if they wanted to. And Owen had tried to make him taste some suspicious looking drink but Ianto had refused, and since then he had at least been left alone. At least he thought so...

"'Ello there Yan!" a loud voice boomed beside his ear, making him twitch a bit as he glanced to his right, only to see Jack look at him with a grin on his face and a beer in his hand.

Another sigh escaped Ianto's lips before he actually spoke to the obviously drunk Captain. It would be interesting to see what would happen if there was an alien invasion or something like that in Cardiff at that very moment.

"Jack," Ianto simply said with a nod, expecting the other to go back to the others in the team. They had to be a lot more fun than Ianto either way. Once more he sipped at his whiskey and blinked a bit as he looked around. God, all colours were awfully annoying... making things spin. And it had absolutely nothing to do with the alcohol he had consumed, no way!

"Why so grumpy? It's celebration!" Jack happily exclaimed and looked at the bartender, "Two Captain Jack's, please," he said and then looked at Ianto who raised an eyebrow, "You're gonna have the best drink of your life!" he slurred and handed Ianto a very brightly coloured drink once the bartender was finished.

Ianto scrunched up his nose and frowned as he looked at it, "What is it?" he asked, not even caring to ask what they were celebrating... he was just going to get a really silly answer from Jack. Since from what Ianto knew they had nothing to celebrate except the fact that they had hunted down a pack of Weevils. Which in Ianto's world wasn't much to celebrate since it was a normal occurrence.

"Just a Captain Jack!" Jack cheerfully said and patted Ianto's shoulder before he took a gulp of his own drink.

"It's enough with you," Ianto muttered under his breath but actually tasted the drink even though it looked a lot more suspicious than the one Owen had tried to offer him. But then again Ianto had always thought it was a bigger risk that Owen tried to secretly poison him than Jack. But when Ianto felt a hand rest on his leg he started doubt that the drink was safe.

He threw a small worried glance at Jack, "What's in it? Rohypnol?" he dryly asked with a look at Jack's hand, and Jack just laughed at him and shook his head before removing his hand.

"There's a looot of things in that, but why would I need to date rape someone, Ianto? Think I'd have problems getting my way with someone?" he asked, face suddenly dangerously close to Ianto's, almost causing the Welshman to start sputter and push him away. But he composed himself and looked back into Jack's eyes.

"Of course not, sir," he said and rolled his eyes.

Jack flashed Ianto the normal Captain Jack Harkness-grin, which was filled with Captain Jack Harkness-attitude, "I'd easily get you on the hook as well... you know you want to..." he said, very clearly trying to be seductive.

"Jack, I'm not gay," Ianto stated with at Jack who looked a bit disappointed, "But I'll give it to you that this tastes good..." he said once he realized he actually had been drinking most of the drink up by now.

"Two more Captain Jack's!"

* * *

1 hour later (and many drinks and laughs later) Jack had managed to get Ianto up on the dance floor where they wildly danced together. The older man was, even though he was intoxicated, very surprised at the moves Ianto had. He had never thought that the Welshman had it in him. That Ianto would dance like this with him was just not existing in his world.

After a while Jack just couldn't take it any longer, Ianto had been rubbing up against him far too long and he wanted to to something about the problem growing in his pants. And the club wasn't a proper place for such a problem.

"Ianto-,"

"I'm still not gay," Ianto abruptly cut Jack off before he could say anything more, "But if I were gay..."

A grin spread out on on Jack's face as he waited for the rest of Ianto's sentence, which seemed to have gotten stuck in his throat, "What Ianto? If you were gay?"

The Welshman licked his lips and grabbed Jack's coat, "Let me show you what I'd let you do to me if I were gay, sir," he said dangerously close to the Captain's lips.

"Your place then?"

"Let's hurry, and please get your hand out of my pants," Ianto huffily said before he pulled Jack out from the club, hearing the distant catcalls from random people. And he could almost swear he heard Gwen's voice in the midst of them.

And that wasn't the first time Ianto Jones showed Jack what they could do if he was gay.

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**AN: **Denial, dear Ianto, it's called denial~  
So, what did you think? Another one will probably be up later, it's fun to write and I've got so many ideas right now so I don't know where to start xD  
This was based on the song **If I Were Gay **by **Stephen Lynch**!

Reviewers gets cookies and love 8D


	2. Hate, I Really Don't Like You

**Hate (I Really Don't Like You)**

**AN: **So here you go, another part of my little music challenge!  
I think about writing at least one of those each day, that way I've got something to do, haha! And all are pretty short. Shifts from 1-4 pages which doesn't take long time to write... and I've got ideas for several more :D

**Chapter summary: **Jack wasn't very happy about being stuck in the same cell as a certain other captain. Ianto to the rescue!

**Warnings: **Nothing more than cursing.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Torchwood. If I did things would have happened differently in Torchwood Children of Earth: Day 4 T_T

* * *

"You know, Jack... I didn't really intend to put the two of us in this crap..."

Jack rolled his eyes and sent a quiet nasty glare at the captain who was sitting down besides him. Right now he was sooo close to just slamming a fist into the other's face, but he knew that it only would make things more complicated.

Because starting a fight when you were sitting in a cell, which you had ended up in for actually starting a fight, would simply be stupid since it would put them in even more trouble. Plus the fact that it would be awkward if John happened to 'accidentally' break Jack's neck or something like that, they'd have to Retcon the whole freaking police station... and Ianto wouldn't be happy about the trouble of doing that.

"What exactly did you expect would happen by starting a fight in public? With guns and everything?" Jack asked with a raised eyebrow.

John shrugged, "People here are too freaking concerned about weapons," he said with a smirk on his face.

"Oh god, just go back to where you came from and leave me alone!" Jack complained as he rubbed his temples. It seemed that no matter what he did John would come back, and then they'd end up figting.

Why had the police put the two captains in the same cell? It was the most stupid thing ever, especially since they had been taken in for fighting **each other**. Shouldn't you try and keep fighting people separated? After all they had seen John fire several bullets towards Jack (which he thankfully had been able to dodge).

"That's all you ever keep bloody telling me!" John said with narrowed eyes, "_Leave me alone! You belong in my past! We're over with! Go back to where you came from and never come back!_" he tried to mimic Jack's voice, failing slightly at doing it, and it only made Jack more irritated at him.

"I've been chasing you around cause I thought we had something special, Jack, don't you miss the good old days, huh?" he asked as he tried to sneak an arm around Jack.

"There's no point living in the past!" Jack hissed and removed John's arm as if it was something disgusting, "Would you kindly shut up? You're giving me a head ache."

John rolled his eyes and let out an irritated sigh as he looked at Jack, resisting his own urge to pummel him down. He felt like strangling Jack... but there was not much comfort in that since he knew that it wouldn't take long for him to come back from the dead. But then he could always kill Jack again, and again, and again...

"Immortal bastard."

"And you wonder why I didn't stay with you," Jack said with a quiet monotone voice as he glared at John once more.

John put a hand over his own heart, "And you left me broken hearted, my already broken heart is in even smaller pieces now, all I wanted was your love!" he said, but it was with evident drama.

He was rewarded with a slap to his face. And not many seconds later the two grown men was on the floor, both practically trying to kick, hit, scratch, bite... anything to just harm each other.

"I'm gonna kill you, Jack Harkness!"

"Good luck pal, unlike you I'll come back!" Jack growled and was just about to punch John's face as the door to the cell was opened up by a officer.

And also standing there, looking in with a not so impressed look on his face, was Ianto Jones. He didn't really enjoy going around bailing Torchwood members out of prison.

"...can't I be away for more than 10 minutes before something like this happens?" he tiredly asked before looking at the officer, "You can leave, I'll take care of them," he simply said. The officer threw a look that was between amusement and suspicion. It looked like the two prisoners either had been making out or having a fight.

Somehow he could image them both happening... but with a sigh he left the room.

"Ianto!" Jack exclaimed as soon as the officer had left and shoved John away from him and got up from the floor, "You can't believe how happy I am to see you! Take me away from here!" he said with a wide grin on his face.

In the background John swore under his breath as he got up from the floor.

Ianto rolled his eyes as he looked at Jack, "Who said I was going to take you away? I'm just doing my duty getting you out from jail. It's not my responsibility to get you anywhere," he simply said, a bit amused at the slightly offended face expression that occupied Jack's face.

"Don't leave me with him!" Jack desperately said, to Ianto's amusement.

"I'll leave you alone on one condition, Jack..." John suddenly said from behind, making both Jack and Ianto look at the smirking man.

Jack raised an eyebrow, whatever it was it couldn't be something easy to give away, "What?"

John grinned and winked as he looked at Ianto who looked quite blank and misplaced, "Just give me some time with eyecandy over there and-,"

"Let's get out of here," Ianto hastily said and grabbed Jack's arm. No way he was going to listen to John talking about him like that. He wasn't anyone's eyecandy, "And who said I was getting you out as well? "

A grin spread on Jack's face as he put an arm around Ianto's shoulders, oh how he loved Ianto Jones, "You better get back into the cell, and sorry but Ianto's not for rent!" he happily said as he gave John a push into the cell.

"What? You gotta be kidding me! You can't do this!" he said, sounding pretty damn pissed off.

"Watch me," Jack said with a wink as he looked at Ianto and then grinned before turning the way the officer had disappeared to earlier, "Hey! Officer, you can lock him up!" he called and the officer who had been waiting just on the other side of a door he stepped in and just gave a nod as he brought up his keys.

Ianto just threw a look of dislike at John as he backed into the cell, wise enough to not start a fight now. It was too bad, somehow Ianto would enjoy seeing John try to fight and maybe get shot, maybe not to death but enough to see him in pain.

"Come back you bastard! Eyecandy!" John shouted as Ianto and Jack turned started walking, leaving the other captain to his destiny, "Hate is a strong word but I really, really, really don't like you Jack Harkness!"

Jack grinned as he looked at Ianto who still looked slightly bothered, but he was finally relaxing as they were outside, getting up to the black SUV, "So what do you want to do?"

"Just get me as far away from _him_ as possible," Ianto said with strained voice, seriously tired about all that eyecandy talk.

"With pleasure, eyecandy, with pleasure," Jack happily said as they got into the car, safely driving back to the hub while John was stuck in jail. Finally not being their problem for a while.

"If you call me that again I'll send you back and have you locked in with him again," Ianto sharply said with a small glare at Jack.

"Point taken, Yan."

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**  
AN: **Maybe not the best thing I've written but it amused me, and I wanted to do something that had John in it. Because I actually like him (even though I hated him in **Fragments** and the beginning of **Exit Wounds**...). So here's for John! May he get out of the jail in a legal way, which I doubt since he used guns in public... xD  
Fic based on the song **Hate (I Really Don't Like You) **by **Plain White T's**.

So what did you think? **Reviewers do as usual get cookies and love XD**


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